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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29562954">Lonely | Kawoshin</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sayaano/pseuds/Sayaano'>Sayaano</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Neon Genesis Evangelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fluff, Love, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:53:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,178</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29562954</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sayaano/pseuds/Sayaano</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a small soft story about Kaworu and Shinji's relationship. This doesn't happen inside the world of Evangelion this is just a normal AU.<br/>Feel free to comment constructive criticism.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ikari Shinji &amp; Nagisa Kaworu, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu, kawoshin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>82</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong><span class="u">Chapter 1</span>: First Glances</strong>
</p><p>The feeling of being lonely was something Shinji always felt since he was a child. Constant thoughts of failure ran nonstop through his head, but it was no longer as annoying as it used to be. Eventually, he got used to it. The thought of not being enough didn't matter since no one expected anything from him anymore.</p><p>It was not a problem being lonely now, it was way easier to not have friends, that meant he didn't have to waste any energy on maintaining them. Of course, there were the usual people who he stick around, but it didn't really felt like true friendships, Rei being an exception. The silent girl didn't seem to be bothered by Shinji's attitude towards the world unlike the others.</p><p>The other girl he hanged around too was Asuka but she didn't treat him nicely at all, there was no way she considered him as a friend. There were also the two boys: Kensuke and Touji. But Shinji almost never saw the last two since they always preferred to go out without him.</p><p>It didn't bother Shinji at all, he rather to stay home listening to his favorite songs all day. Just staring at the ceiling and daydreaming about experiences he'll probably never have. He did not have the energy anymore to try new stuff or meet new people but is not like he ever had it anyways.</p><p>School was just a waste of time and money for him, why did he had to go through all of those years of studying when he didn't have a single care about his life. He basically just went because his father had forced him into it, saying how he had to something or he'll end up like an incompetent and useless brat. Those words didn't affect him since Shinji already felt like one.</p><p>No one ever caught his attention, why would they? Almost everyone was the same kind of person. They only wanted to fit in, faking everything about themselves to not be excluded, to not be called a weirdo like him. No one bullied him, but no one talked to him either. There were only the sassy comments Asuka made from time to time and the straightforward thoughts Rei gave him.</p><p>And one afternoon, there was someone who caught Shinji's attention. A pale boy slightly taller than him. As Shinji was exiting the school, he heard someone going in the campus while singing a melody with such a lovely tone, but Shinji didn't saw his face, only his back and his unique color of hair. Few days later, that exact boy was presented with the name of Nagisa Kaworu to the classroom as the new student.</p><p>The teacher had placed Kaworu a few seats away from Shinji and as the pale guy was walking towards his place, both of them made eye contact at the same time. Shinji had never seen crimson eyes in his life, it was weird but at the same time beautiful in its own way, he wondered if the taller male had ever got harassed because of his unique appearance. Kaworu gave him a small smile that Shinji barely saw as he passed by.</p><p>That was the first time they both looked at each other, and it wasn't the last one. Throughout the month, Kaworu had caught Shinji throwing him glancings from time to time, but who could blame him? He was so fascinated at the new student and to be fair, Kaworu has indeed been called handsome by his female classmates many times and he had no trouble socializing with the guys.</p><p>He just had this aura that automatically attracted people towards him. But, even though he was so charismatic, Kaworu preferred to spend his time alone. He never was around other classmates during break times, and he has rejected every single invite he had to hang out. That made Shinji even more curious about his persona. What kind of person was Kaworu? He had thought to himself, but he never seemed to come to a conclusion. The handsome guy was a whole mystery everybody wanted to solve.</p><p>Shinji had also caught Kaworu staring at him during classes, but he always shrugged it off. Perhaps he was looking at Asuka who sitted right next of Shinji. Asuka was a gorgeous girl and not to mention she was a foreigner. Yes, she didn't have the best of personalities, but her attitude gave her a special kind of charm. It would be no surprise someone like Kaworu got interested in her. What did Shinji have in the other hand? He always thought badly of himself, never finding any kind of beauty in him. He was a plain and boring person. That's why the smiles and silent giggles Kaworu gave him when he got caught confused him.</p><p>Something that Shinji noticed about the other one, was that he liked to spend his free time between classes at one of the benches behind school and listening to music. Shinji thought he was in some way similar to him and for the first time ever, Shinji felt like approaching someone.</p><p>Feelings of anxiety and regret went immediately to Shinji's stomach as he started walking towards the lonely pale boy. It was too late, Kaworu had already seen him so there was no going back. Once the shy boy stopped right in front of him, neither one said a word instead they just stared at each other. Kaworu with a gentle smile and his head slightly tilted to the side, waiting for the other one to say why he came for, and Shinji finding the right words to say.</p><p>Should he start with a hello or perhaps a may I sit here? There were multiple ways to start a conversation, but he chose one of the worst "Why are you always alone?" When Shinji realized what he said was rude, his cheeks immediately flushed into a soft crimson red. He wanted to apologize but he was unable to form any more words from his mouth.</p><p>Kaworu seemed unfazed by his question and calmly answered with another one "Why are YOU always alone?"</p><p>Shinji just slightly nodded but he didn't leave, something made him want to stay a little longer, but he didn't know what to say. So, it was left to Kaworu to ask him if he wanted to keep him company to which Shinji agreed. They didn't talk much, but it was still pleasant, both of them were wearing their earphones and being on their own world. Of course, there were a few glances between here and there but neither one wanted to point it out, it didn't bother them so why address it?</p><p>This continued happening throughout the weeks, them just sitting in silence at the same spot behind school and listening to their own music. Sometimes one of them would ask a thing about the other, Shinji never knew how to answer and Kaworu always replied with another question. For others it would have been annoying but for them it wasn't, somehow it gave each other some kind of comfort. But there were a few times when they opened up a little bit to each other and to be honest, those were the most enjoyable moments for them.</p><p>Shinji always came to school, but you couldn't say the same for Kaworu. Every time he was absent, Shinji had this strange feeling inside him. Almost of like he missed the presence of the other but that couldn't be it right? And every time Kaworu didn't came, the next day he'll appear with a smile on his face and asked the younger one if he missed him. Shinji always felt ashamed when he made that kind of questions, it was strange for him whenever Kaworu made comments like "I missed you" or "You can call me by my first name".</p><p>Kaworu had asked Shinji multiple times to simply call him by his first name but he always refused to it, Kaworu always gave a disappointed look whenever this happened but he respected Shinji's decision anyways. Shinji felt bad about making Kaworu sad, but he wasn't ready to refer to him in such an intimate way, this was technically Shinji's first real friendship and he was still trying to get used to it.</p><p>There was also something else that made Shinji's stomach turn and his mind go all over the place, and it was those subtle touches Kaworu would give him from time to time. Shinji was stressed out about how he was affected by such simple actions like touching hands on accident or whenever Kaworu grabbed him by his left shoulder, but what affected him the most was whenever he softly played with his hair every time Shinji sat on the floor in front of him instead of sitting on the bench.</p><p>These new feelings made Shinji slightly uncomfortable, but it mainly made him happy. He would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy Kaworu's company and his small gestures.</p><p>Without even realizing it, the boy with crimson's eyes became an important part of Shinji's life.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Getting Closer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shinji seemed to get even more comfortable with Kaworu to the point where he actually started talking more. These longer conversations started when one day Kaworu apparently had lost his earphones and Shinji felt bad being the only one with them, so in a weird way of showing sympathy he took his off. This action forced them to actually say something to avoid the awkward silence between them.</p><p>It started with simple questions of age, likes, family and other stuff. Eventually it started being about more private matters like family problems, insecurities and etcetera. But these deeper conversations always seemed to revolve around Shinji, it always ended up about him talking about his feelings and Kaworu giving all his attention towards the other. Even though Shinji tried a few times to get something out of Kaworu, the other always managed to change the subject. This always made Shinji a little bit sad, but he understood that maybe Kaworu didn't trust him enough yet.</p><p>But if that was the case, why did Shinji felt like he could trust him? He knew nothing about the other one and still he felt like he did. It was like an invisible bond they had with each other.</p><p>He tried a few more times until he eventually gave up, scared he might annoy Kaworu to the point he stopped talking with him. Shinji didn't want to ruin this like he always does, so for the first time in a while he will actually try his best to keep Kaworu pleased with him.</p><p>They talked about Shinji's insecurities, how he was considered a disappointment in his family, he even talked about his mother's death one time. Shinji tried to not show too much weakness, but it was hard and Kaworu was not blind. Kaworu instead of making fun of him or shrugging it off like the rest, he always listened. He paid attention to every single word Shinji had to said, then when he was done, he always gave his opinion about the matter, trying to be as respectful as possible but it didn't always work.</p><p>There had been times that Kaworu said comments that might had offended Shinji, but he didn't blame him. Shinji came to realize Kaworu was just not really good at saying the right things at the right times, he was always so honest. And that honestly, even though sometimes may be annoying, was another thing that made Shinji admire him even more.</p><p>One day, instead of talking, Shinji decided to do something he considered special. He shared his earphones with the other and allowed him to listen to the same music, something he had never done with anybody else. Kaworu immediately knew this was someway of Shinji showing his affection towards him, and that made him feel special.</p><p>"Am I special to you Ikari-Kun?" Kaworu bluntly asked, catching Shinji out-guard and making him stutter.</p><p>"W-What do you mean by special?"</p><p>"I have the feeling you do not share your music with others, why am I different?" He specified, he had a look of someone who already knew the answer to his own question, he just wanted to hear it from Shinji's mouth.</p><p>Shinji simply scratched his arms in embarrassment, he didn't even knew the reason why he wanted to treat Kaworu different than others "I... I don't know" he said with a slight blush across his face, those words usually being the reply he gave to many of Kaworu's questions.</p><p>Kaworu just hummed, not wanting to pressure the younger one any further. It was heavily impressive how he had so much patience towards Shinji, other people by now would be done by his shy and awkward attitude already</p><p>His question made Shinji think, he also wanted to know the answer to that. He thought and thought until he finally found a reason.</p><p>He treated Kaworu different because he had made him feel special.</p><p>Shinji was charmed by every aspect of Kaworu. He found him so smart, always having good grades even though he never seemed to pay attention in class. How he always slightly shook his head whenever he wanted to make his hair look better, the enormous patience he had towards him, his soft sighs of satisfaction he gave whenever he listened to the songs he loved, his lovely crimson eyes that made contact with Shinji's from time to time and who could forget that beautiful gentle smile he always gave.</p><p>How could someone as awesome as him give him this much attention? It was the first time Shinji felt someone treated him special, it was hard to deny the fact that Kaworu had a different type of smile whenever he looked at him, it was impossible to not notice how Kaworu spoke softer whenever he was talking to Shinji. Is this how true friends treat each other? The younger one wondered many times if Kaworu ever thought about him as a friend, he was curious if Kaworu had also felt a special kind of happiness whenever they were alone together.</p><p>And it made Shinji even more happier when he found out that Kaworu was never staring at Asuka, but that he was in fact staring at him. He still remembers how Kaworu slightly chuckled when Shinji turned completely red when he explained. But Shinji was not prepared for the answer to his next question "But why me?"</p><p>Kaworu slightly leaned closer towards him, making Shinji backup just a little bit "Well, I thought you were beautiful. Never mind that, I think you ARE beautiful" Shinji simply remained silent in shock of the blunt words Kaworu had said, was he messing with him?</p><p>"Shinji-Kun" how his name rolled out Kaworu's tongue made Shinji flinch in surprise, he was not used to someone calling him by his first name with such a sweet tone "I find you so unique in many different ways, I'm sorry if I ever made you uncomfortable with my staring but I just can't help it" he continued "I find you unique in so many ways, you are so fragile I feel I have to be as gentle as possible. So, believe me when I say I wouldn't harm you in any way on purpose"</p><p>Not even Shinji's family had ever said such kind words towards him. A strong emotion traveled through Shinji's entire body and he didn't know how to describe it, he only knew that it was a pleasant feeling "This means you consider me as a friend?" He timidly asked, not being able to hide the smile forming across his face.</p><p>Kaworu simply responded "If that is what you want to call us, then yes" Shinji didn't completely understood what he meant by that but his answer was enough, and for the first time ever, Shinji didn't felt as lonely anymore.</p><p>Conversations like this kept occurring, Kaworu always finding a new way to express his affection towards Shinji. And Shinji didn't keep quiet either, always talking about how Kaworu was so amazing in every way and how he was sure his future girlfriend would be so lucky to have him. Shinji never noticed how Kaworu slightly frowned at the mention of that last thing, he couldn't believe how Shinji could be so blind from the start but he understood anyways, he knew the younger one was not used to this kind of affection, it was probably hard for him to identify friendly feelings from romantic feelings. Still, Kaworu never said anything to deny Shinji from his assumptions to which made Shinji feel a little bit down without even knowing why.</p><p>There has been a few times where the younger one asked Kaworu if he was interested in someone to which he always replied with "You're the only one who comes to mine" Shinji just awkwardly pushed him away telling him to stop joking about that "Does it bother you?" Kaworu asked.</p><p>Did it bother him? "It's just... weird" Kaworu nodded to Shinji's response and apologized.</p><p>Shinji was no sure if Kaworu's comments bothered him, he only knew it made him feel weird but no in a bad way. What's this kind of feeling?</p><p>One of the few times Kaworu was absent, Shinji hanged around with Rei, maybe she knew how to answer to his question. So, the moment an opportunity popped up, he took it.</p><p>Maybe it wasn't the best idea to ask Rei, she was known for not really showing or understanding some emotions. When Shinji explained the situation to her, she simply replied that she doesn't know since she has never experienced it before and that maybe he should ask Asuka.</p><p>There was no way he was asking Asuka, the last thing he needed was her coming up with the most random conclusion that there could be.</p><p>So he just kept it to himself for now and wondered if Kaworu feels the same way as him. Maybe he knew what it meant, but he was way too shy to ask, afraid Kaworu didn't consider him that special and would just make things awkward.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Jealousy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It came to a point where it was impossible to see Shinji without Kaworu. He even presented him to Rei and Asuka. But he kind of regretted it.</p><p>Asuka immediately took a liking towards him, nothing to important but she always tried to impress him somehow. Kaworu, being the kind person he is, akways complimented her for her actions. Shinji didn't really like that, he wanted to be the only one who received compliments from Kaworu. He was his friend not hers.</p><p>Shinji didn't notice that Kaworu was aware of his complex feelings. And Kaworu, even thought he was angelical, he sometimes could act the opposite of it. Kaworu took advantage of this and always tried to be close with Asuka, but always observing how the other boy would react.</p><p>It was funny to Kaworu how Shinji didn't seem aware of the annoyed facial expressions he made whenever Asuka approached him, he found it adorable. But he did feel a little bit bad, he wanted to reassure Shinji that he would always come first, and that there would never be someone more important than him. But he didn't want to scare him off.</p><p>Everyone found it amusing whenever the red-haired girl and Shinji argued about who would be partners with Kaworu in school projects. It was weird that Shinji talked so much during classes and especially in such way towards the scary gorgeous girl. But it didn't matter how much they fought, Kaworu always chose Shinji to work with him boosting Shinji's confidence for just a little bit.</p><p>Something else that Shinji also didn't notice was that he was putting effort on more things. He was trying to get better grades and he was also trying to improve his appearance. Shinji didn't realize he wanted to be noticed and complimented too by Kaworu.</p><p>"Kaworu-Kun!" It has been a while since Shinji started calling him by his first name "There is this restaurant that just got inaugurated near my house and I... I was wondering if..." Even though Shinji had gotten more confortable in talking with Kaworu, he still felt shy whenever asking for something.</p><p>"I'll go" Kaworu replied, not even waiting for Shinji to finish the attempt of his sentence.</p><p>Shinji was excited, but nervous. It would be the first time he hanged out with Kaworu outside school. It was out of his comfort, but he was willing to try for him. He was glad he had an excuse to see him for more time than he usually does.</p><p>Kaworu in the other hand, was filled with pure happiness. He never thought Shinji would do such a big step like that by himself. It was definitely pleasant when the one you like the most is showing interest on you. But, did Shinji even realized it? Kaworu didn't want to get his own hopes up, especially when the younger one didn't seem to take Kaworu's feelings seriously.</p><p>After school, the walk towards the place was silent but in a nice way. It was a lovely day, the sun shining beautifully and the clouds protecting them from the blinding light, the elementary kids running around while playing tag, the soft wind of autumn traveling through their skin causing small shivers.</p><p>And yet, all that both males were focusing on, was the subtle hand touching as they walked. Kaworu thinking if he should just go for it and Shinji wondering why he is suddenly feeling so embarrassed but didn't want to move his hand away. In the end, their hands were never hold, not giving Kaworu the satisfaction of knowing how it would feel to intertwine their fingers.</p><p>They had arrived and sat on a table of the small new Italian restaurant that probably had the same name as all Italian restaurants, something about pizza and ovens. Instead of sitting in front of each other, they were right besides, it always felt more comfortable that way.</p><p>The soft talking and quiet chuckles were always there, and so were the subtle stares and caressing as they waited for their order. Such nice ambience had to be ruined by Shinji's curiosity "So... what do you think about Asuka?"</p><p>The white-haired boy smiled to himself, already knowing where this was going. He pretended he didn't know what Shinji was talking about.</p><p>"You two... seem to be getting along pretty well" this time Shinji avoided the eyes of the other, embarrassed by his clinginess. He didn't want Kaworu to think he couldn't have other friends or even a girlfriend.</p><p>Kaworu hummed "Why do you ask? Are you jealous?" the slight smirk was not an expression Shinji was used to. Shinji quickly had defended himself, there was no reason for him to be jealous and no matter how much he denied it, Kaworu didn't seem to buy a single thing.</p><p>"I had already told you..." Kaworu continued as he placed a hand on Shinji's "Im only interested in you" a reassuring smile took place.</p><p>Shinji didn't move his hand away, but he still acted defensively "I-I told you to stop joking about that... it's weird" when Kaworu asked why it was weird made Shinji realize he didn't know the reason either. He just thought boys shouldn't act that way towards each other, but he couldn't say it out loud because even himself though it was stupid.</p><p>"Shinji-Kun... do you like m-" Kaworu's sentence was interrupted by the waitress arriving with their food, making Shinji enter into a panicked state and quickly remove his hand away from Kaworu.</p><p>Kaworu didn't press on the matter, he felt he had done enough. They just ate their food and changed the subject like nothing ever happened. This left Kaworu a feeling of disappointment and Shinji, as always, was confused.</p><p>He had thought his heart was almost going to burst out his chest when Kaworu placed his hand on his. Why did the taller boy always made him feel this way?</p><p>When they were done, Shinji realized he didn't want to wait until Monday to see Kaworu again. Desperate times have desperate solutions, he thought. Just as the sun was setting and they were getting ready to return home, Shinji once again decided to ask for more of Kaworu's time "H-Hey... do you wanna, spend the night at my house?"</p><p>"Hmm... is your father okay with it?" Kaworu knew Shinji didn't had a good relationship with his father, so he was worried he wouldn't like the idea of his son bringing friends home.</p><p>Shinji nodded "I don't think he even cares anyways, besides he's not home often" so Kaworu agreed to go with him.</p><p>The pale boy was nervous, he didn't know how good of an idea would be spending time together alone at Shinji's house. He was perfectly aware of his feelings towards the boy and he was scared he might say or do something that would scare him enough to completely erase all trust he has on him. Kaworu was often known as a gentleman, but he was also a teenager and like all the others, he also has his needs sometimes. He respected Shinji in all ways but that didn't mean he had never thought about him in an inappropriate way. That made Kaworu wonder if Shinji ever thought about him like that.</p><p>Just as Shinji had assumed, his father was not currently home and for some reason, this made him even more nervous. He kept glancing at Kaworu's figure as he wondered around the house complimenting it.</p><p>"Are you not gonna call your parents you're not returning home?" Shinji asked, to which Kaworu replied about how he lived alone, that made Shinji embarassed "O-Oh, I'm sorrry..." the other boy simply shrugged and said it didn't matter anyways. Shinji was curious but he didn't have the bravery to ask more.</p><p>The last place he showed to his friend, was his room. It had nothing special, it was plain but Kaworu always said how everything he had was so beautiful and fitting for him. Shinji never really understood what the pale boy meant sometimes.</p><p>Shinji had never thought he would bring someone to his home, nevertheless, spend the night with them. He was happy he could finally experience what everybody else found so normal. He wondered if Kaworu was as happy as him.</p><p>"Uh... do you wanna watch a movie or something?" Shinji asked, not sure what people did in this kind of situations.</p><p>"Sure, Asuka told me there's this new movie on Netflix and it was really good. So, I want to watch it if that's okay"</p><p>Back at it again with Asuka, Shinji mentally rolled his eyes at the mention of the girl. He didn't like that Kaworu had to bring her up now. Shinji juat nodded at brought his laptop towards the bed, where they sat beside each other.</p><p>The light contact between their legs wasn't something they paid attention to, Kaworu too busy on his own world and Shinji still slightly mad at the possible love interest of his only friend.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Feelings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Who would have thought the movie they were watching would have a sex scene? Shinji always found it so annoying movies added unnecessary sexual scenes that contributed nothing to the story. He had never been affected by them; he had no interest in that kind of stuff. Why would this time be different?</p><p>Shinji glanced at Kaworu who was expressionless staring at the small monitor. He stared at the way his slightly long hair fell down so gracefully, how his crimson eyes were so full of life all the time. Shinji's eyes travelled all the way from Kaworu's face to his chest.</p><p>"I just realized you didn't bring any clothes to sleep" he softly said but loud enough for Kaworu to hear. Kaworu turned towards Shinji's intense gaze and asked if he could borrow some of his.</p><p>There wouldn't be a problem at all, both boys had a similar body shape so it was probable that Shinji's clothes would fit the other. So, he agreed.</p><p>But he didn't expect for Kaworu to change right in front of him. Shinji felt like all air left him the moment Kaworu stood up and took his shirt off and waited for Shinji to lend him some clothes.</p><p>The shorter boy was probably going to die from asphyxiation the moment he handed the shirt towards Kaworu who was now standing closer to him "You should change too don't you think?"</p><p>He nodded, his cheeks almost the same color as Kaworu's eyes, then he asked if Kaworu could look the other way. Shinji didn't understand why he was so nervous at the other boy's body, it wouldn't be the first time he saw a male's naked form. He has seen other boys changing in the locker room and he too has changed in front of others; it didn't make sense he was ashamed of looking at Kaworu.</p><p>"Oh, so you can stare at me all you want as I change but I can't?" Kaworu teased making Shinji a stuttering mess and apologizing. The other just said it was fine and turned around so he could give him some privacy.</p><p>The night went on with no more incidents similar to this, between movies and laughs they decided it was time to lay down. In a few hours the sun would be rising up and both boys were tired and wanted rest but not before a final conversation.</p><p>Staring at the ceiling, as both of them laid down next to each other on Shinji's bed, sweet words started flowing. Lines of admiration and vows of friendship made both hearts flutter. But it was Kaworu's way of seeing Shinji that hit him the most.</p><p>Shinji never thought someone could describe him the way Kaworu did.</p><p>
  <em>Fragile, like crystal. Meeting you gave me a new perspective towards life, and I thank you for that. It pains me to hear all the suffering you had went through but if I'm honest, all that made you into the wonderful person you are today. You have portrayed yourself as this kind of person who is worthless, someone who gave up on everything in his life. But when I see you, I see someone who is capable of so many things. Someone who still has a desire to live and be something and I know you can. Yes, you are fragile, but just as crystal you are strong.</em>
</p><p>Shinji never in his life thought someone would feel this way about him, he didn't know he had to hear this words from someone. He didn't know how Kaworu managed to sneak up onto his life this way, but he didn't regret meeting him.</p><p>"And I know, you think you are unworthy of someone's love" Kaworu continued "You have locked others out of your heart, afraid of being hurt, but you are worthy of love and if you let me I can prove that"</p><p>Shinji didn't understand, but he didn't ask. He was so touched by his words he was unable to reply. So, they just laid there, staring longingly into each other's eyes until finally both fell into slumber.</p><p>Kaworu didn't took it to heart, he knew Shinji was a complicated person. But sometimes those who are hardest to love to need it the most. Kaworu was willing to keep trying with Shinji because deep inside him, he knew that it was worth a try.</p><p>In the other hand, Shinji also wanted to say so many nice things about the other, but he couldn't. He was too shy to let his heart flow and tell him how special Kaworu was for him. So he always remained silent.</p><p>Yes, it did hurt for the other but what's love without pain? Do you truly love someone if you are not willing to go through hell for them? Kaworu didn't know the exact moment he fell for Shinji, he just one day knew that he was willing to do anything for him.</p><p>Kaworu didn't like to admit it but he also had felt lonely before. With his parents out of the picture, left alone to fight against the world by himself. He always felt how he was surrounded by such fake people, everyone full of lies and only wanting to be with him for convenience. But Shinji, he was authentic and just as him, he was lonely.</p><p>When they met it was an instant click, like the final piece to their puzzle. And both platonic or romantically, they were satisfied with each other. The only thing that mattered is that they were happy by each other's presence.</p><p>The next day, Kaworu left towards his home and Shinji once again was all alone inside his house.</p><p>He never realized how cold his own home felt until now. Once her mother died, his father started coming house late and eventually he just didn't come back home for days. It forced him into learning how to maintain himself. This reminded him about Kaworu's words about living alone, seems there was another thing they had in common.</p><p>Kaworu... he was really wonderful, wasn't he? He was always there when Shinji needed him. He felt like he had done nothing to show Kaworu how much he truly appreciated him. But how could he do that if he was too afraid to show him that kind of emotions?</p><p>Shinji was not good with words, at all. So he had to think about another way to show him his appreciation. He looked at his S-DAT, and an idea came to mind.</p><p>If he couldn't express himself through words, he'll do it through music.</p><p>He spent the next couple days thinking about which songs to add to the playlist he wanted to dedicate to Kaworu. He wanted it to be unique, something that represented both of them.</p><p>Hiding something from Kaworu was surprisingly hard, he was not blind and could always tell when Shinji had something on his mind. When they both saw each other at school again, he immediately knew something was up. But Shinji did not budge, he had promised himself it would be a surprise to Kaworu and he would not reveal anything until he was done doing his playlist.</p><p>He thought about the songs that made him think about Kaworu. Those he knew Kaworu loved that he had showed Shinji, that one first song he heard when he first lends him his own earphones. But something was missing, he didn't know which song would be the opening to this new playlist. Which song made him think about Kaworu the most?</p><p>And finally, he had finished. He was excited and full of pride about his finished product and couldn't wait to show it to Kaworu.</p><p>Shinji was a lot jumpier than usual and not even Asuka's commentary could bring him down. Quite adorable you might say, the only one who knew about this little surprised he has prepared was Rei. He had asked her before for some advice and she had been greatly helpful towards the cause.</p><p>Finally, the break was there, and as usual Kaworu and Shinji went towards their special spot behind school to listen to their music only this time it was different. When Kaworu sat down, Shinji didn't and just stood right in front of him trying to find what he should said before giving his gift.</p><p>"Something's the matter, Shinji-Kun?" Oh how he loved how his name sounded when Kaworu pronounced it.</p><p>"Kaworu-Kun... You know I'm not the best when it comes to expressing feelings" Kaworu simply nodded to Shinji's statement "And I really want you to know how important you are to me so I decided to- ...I decided to make a playlist for you" Shinji showed him his music player and his earphones, waiting for Kaworu to take them.</p><p>He gladly took them and gave one of the earphones to Shinji so they could appreciate the songs together.</p><p>Shinji had decided that his opening song should be the one he heard the first time he laid eyes upon Kaworu. When he was going into school while humming that beautiful melody, The Ninth Symphony.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Daydreaming</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shinji had always been a loner, no one ever paid attention to that kid sitting in the middle of the classroom, until today. It was weird how everyone was laying eyes upon him once he steps into the school, he was not used to this much attention and he didn't even know why he was receiving it.</p><p>Glances, whispers. What was going on? Shinji asked to himself. But he wasn't the only one receiving all this attention, Kaworu was also being a target of the commotion.</p><p>Kaworu shrugged it off, not really caring, but Shinji couldn't stop thinking about it. Did he do something wrong?</p><p>Feelings of anxiety ran through Shinji's veins, but it all went away the moment Kawou assured him everything was okay and not to worry about it. He always made him feel better, no matter the situation. But to be honest, Kaworu was also curious of the reason why everyone seemed so interested on them today.</p><p>When Shinji waved good morning to both his female classmates, the orange haired one ran straight towards them, almost running into Shinji as she rambled random words no one was able to comprehend.</p><p>Shinji slightly frowned as he didn't understand a single thing Asuka had said and that's were Rei came in "She asked, since when did this happen?" She calmly said, explaining the words of her friend towards the two confused guys.</p><p>Shinji and Kaworu both looked at each other a shrugged "What?" The pale boy asked.</p><p>Asuka scoffed and was finally able to form coherent sentences "You don't have to keep pretending! We don't judge, we just wanna know"</p><p>"Asuka-chan, we seriously don't know what you're talking about"</p><p>And once again Rei saves the day by explaining what's going "She wants to know since when you two are dating"</p><p>Saying that Shinji didn't almost choke to death would be lying. It felt like his entire soul left his body at the thought of people believing he was dating a boy, and ESPECIALLY Kaworu.</p><p>It was no surprise to the white-haired boy that rumors were going around school. Everyone knew Shinji and he were really close and spent a lot of time together, alone. Someone was eventually going to notice the subtle glances both gave to each other. Their hands almost holding sometimes, sharing earphones together. But of course, someone was going to notice the way Kaworu stared at Shinji when he wasn't paying attention. That lovingly stare he would give him. His gaze falling from time to time on Shinji's lips, daydreaming about the feeling of them against his own.</p><p>It was about time someone noticed the way Shinji so longingly wanted to be at Kaworu's side. How he wanted to be the center of his attention. It was easy to notice Shinji's bright expression every time Kaworu agreed to something.</p><p>Their feelings towards each other were so obvious to everyone, everyone except one.</p><p>Shinji's face seemed as it was about to explode each time someone asked if they were dating. Kaworu just always answered with a chuckle and explained they were just friends, but there was something that caught Shinji's attention, Kaworu never denied having feelings for him.</p><p>Kaworu didn't seem bothered by any of this, he went through his day like any other one. But he did get lost in his thoughts more than the usual. Perhaps he was indeed affected by all these rumors. Shinji had to ask him at their free time.</p><p>He asked what did Kaworu think about the whole situation to which he answered bluntly. It's entertaining. Kaworu found it amusing how other people always wanted to get into everyone else's lives, even if they had nothing to do with them. Shinji asked if he wasn't bothered by people thinking they were dating.</p><p>"No" Kaworu started "It actually made me think about something"</p><p>"And what is that?"</p><p>Kaworu then looked at Shinji and gently smiled "About how it feels when you don't want to lose someone else, when you want to touch them, kiss them." Shinji frowned, not understanding, Kaworu continued "I was wondering, how would it feel if you came to love?"</p><p>"W-w-what are you saying Kaworu-kun?!" Shinji became a stuttering mess "Don't say it like that, we are both boys, besides... I already l-love you. You are my best friend"</p><p>Kaworu looked away "I know" with a slight hint of pain "You love me as a friend" he mimicked, a way of expression Shinji wasn't used to.</p><p>They both remained silent for the rest of the break and then returned to their classrooms, not a single time Kaworu glanced at him. Shinji was about to invite him over to his house but Kaworu had already escaped his grasp and waved his goodbye for the day. He sighed in frustration. What had gotten into him? Shinji thought.</p><p>Once home, he laid down in bed and started feeling something he hadn't felt in a long time, loneliness. Not even the days were Kaworu was absent on school made him feel that distant. Had he done something to make the other one mad? Shinji tossed around as he tried to understand the other's feelings. He began thinking about Kaworu's words and then wondered.</p><p>How would it feel to touch him? They have always caressed each other in subtle ways, but how would it actually feel if they hold hands for a long time. To play with his white hair as he drifted off to sleep. Maybe even place his face on the crook of the other's neck and just lay besides each other.</p><p>How would it feel to kiss him? Shinji had never given his first kiss, unless you count that one time, he had to kiss Asuka in truth or dare when they were in elementary school. But a real kiss, he has never had one. Had Kaworu ever kissed someone before? Yes, probably.</p><p>Shinji began thinking about Kaworu's lips, how would it feel to kiss him? Was it wrong to be curious?</p><p>"How would it feel if you came to love me?" Kaworu's words ran across Shinji's head.</p><p>To be honest, he didn't know the answer to that either. He grabbed his phone and send a message to Rei. <em>How does it feel to love some? </em>And Rei replied.</p><p><em>According to google. </em>Shinji chuckled. <em>It feels like an intense hit of joy, love fills you with intense, overwhelmingly happy emotions. If you feel this kind of special joy, you might be in love.</em></p><p>Rei was so nice, she always helped others without making too much questions. That's why everyone always asked her for help or advice.</p><p>Shinji thought to himself, did he feel a special kind of happy with Kaworu? Maybe.</p><p>Meanwhile, at the white-haired boy's house. Kaworu was laying on his small couch and staring into the ceiling, expressionless. He felt like a complete idiot saying all those things to Shinji. Why did he kept trying? It was obvious the other one was never gonna like him the same way as he did. Kaworu had spent all of his time trying to make Shinji fall for him. But he just couldn't do it.</p><p>Kaworu has been feeling lonely his entire life. His father abandoning him at a young age perhaps may be where it begun, and his mother's death didn't help much either. He lived with his only aunt, but she was never home it seemed like Kaworu lived alone. He paid his education with his mother's will. Kaworu had always felt alone.</p><p>He didn't bother making friends at school either, what was the point anyways? But he did try dating before, they just didn't have what he was searching for. Nothing lasts forever he thought. But then he met Shinji.</p><p>Shinji was different. Kaworu didn't knew what the other had that made him so special. He just knew that the moment he met him, he didn't want to ever leave his side and that he was no longer feeling lonely.</p><p>It became rather impossible to not catch feelings for the only person you are close to. Kaworu didn't care they were both males, it's 2020 for fucks sakes, no one should care who loves who. Sadly, he might have misunderstood Shinji's feelings towards him.</p><p>There was a bang on his door. He groaned and opened it and to his surprise it was no other but...</p><p>"So, when are you gonna confess, idiot?" Asuka, as charming as always.</p><p>"How did you know where I live?"</p><p>After Asuka trying and failing miserably to cover the fact she had stalked Kaworu last week, she quickly returned to the subject of why she was there in the first place. When was Kaworu gonna confess to Shinji?</p><p>He explained that he already had done it, multiple times. But the other one just doesn't get it or perhaps he is even ignoring it.</p><p>"It is Shinji we are talking about; he cannot come to a conclusion by himself with just a few cheesy words and compliments. You have to be more straightforward"</p><p>And even thought Kaworu didn't understand why Asuka was about to help him confess his feelings towards her friend, he accepted the help anyways.</p><p>So that's how it was. Shinji trying to decipher how he felt towards Kaworu and Kaworu trying to make it even more obvious he was in love with Shinji. Yes, it was frustrating to others. But to them, it was okay because the only thing that mattered was being by each other's side. It didn't matter much if they were only friends or more than that, the only thing that was important to them is that they both made each other happy and they didn't wan't to lose that.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the end, Asuka wasn't much of help. She just kept recommending ways of flirtation Kaworu was sure Shinji wouldn't enjoy. For example, the pull and push technique. It is basically when you lead on a person, saying sweet and romantic things to raise their hopes up to later on completely change your attitude into one that doesn't care about them over and over again. This is supposed to confuse the person and make them seek for your attention.</p><p>Kaworu was not able to do Shinji like that. He couldn't make Shinji feel bad on purpose, he wasn't that kind of person. He just decided to leave things like they were already. Being Shinji's friend was more than enough. But it was so hard to suppress his feelings when Shinji kept being so damn cute.</p><p>And it was even worse since Shinji kept leading him on without even knowing it. How he always searched for Kaworu's eyes and his compliments. How he kept saying how amazing he was. The sweet stare he did whenever he thought Kaworu was not paying attention. Lastly, whenever Shinji got jealous over girls hitting on Kaworu made him think the younger one might have feelings over him.</p><p>But every time Kaworu tried something on Shinji, the other would immediately shrug it off or talk about how they were such good friends. Yes, friends, that's it. Kaworu has been confused about Shinji's feelings towards him ever since they met, but there was a day all his doubts were erased.</p><p>It was just like any other weekend, Kaworu hanging out at Shinji's home, sitting on the floor besides Shinji's bed, watching movies and playing video games and at the end of the day there was always a deep meaningful conversation between the two. It was their special bonding time, besides when they share music of course. This weekend's topic happened to be love, and surprisingly, it was Shinji who brought it up.</p><p><em>Have you ever been in love? </em>Yes, and he still is but the later wasn't mentioned.</p><p><em>Have you dated before? </em>Yes, but he wished he hadn't.</p><p><em>Have you... ever kissed someone before? </em>Yes, but he wished Shinji was his first kiss instead.</p><p>Shinji has never experienced all those things before, Kaworu was in a whole other level than he was. Shinji thought how lucky those past girls were to have been with someone like Kaworu. To intertwine fingers, be on his arms, and to have the opportunity to kiss his lips.</p><p>"What about you, Shinji-kun?" The white-haired boy, a glint of interest across his scarlet eyes. Shinji answered honestly, he talked about how he never thought about that kind of stuff but lately he has been getting curious. <em>How does it feel to love someone? </em>Shinji asked. Kaworu smiled and with a sigh he explained.</p><p>"I guess it is different for everyone, but in my case... it feels like that person is the only one who truly matters in this world. I hate to see them suffering and I wish to bring them all the happiness in the world. I enjoy knowing I'm the reason they get flustered and I love being the reason for their smiles and laughs.</p><p>When I love someone, I feel happy being just by their side... even if they don't feel the same way towards me. But they don't only make me happy, they also make me sad or even angry. But it doesn't matter because at the end, I still love them. I would hate the idea of losing them in any way, because when I love someone... they make me feel like I was no longer lonely in this world"</p><p>Being alone is something everybody hates, so when there is someone who makes you feel like you weren't makes them such a special person in your life.</p><p>And Shinji understood, the only person who was able to make him feel like he wasn't lonely, was Kaworu.</p><p>"You wanna ask something else?" Kaworu was curious.</p><p>There was only one last thing Shinji was curious about and even though he was ashamed to ask, somehow, he gathered the courage to do it anyways. <em>How does it feel to kiss someone?</em></p><p>Kaworu leaned forwards, his face close enough for Shinji to feel his breath brushing against his own lips "Why don't you try it for yourself?" And he did.</p><p>He didn't even think about it, Shinji's body acted on his own as he shyly leaned forward to capture the other's lips. A small peck is what the unexperienced guy gave him, but Kaworu wasn't having it. He deepened the kiss and the surprised Shinji just tried to follow his lead.</p><p>What they felt couldn't be described with words. The moment Kaworu dreamed about was finally happening and Shinji had no idea he NEEDED to kiss him until now.</p><p>Kaworu's hands softly grabbed Shinji's and brought them up towards his chest and left them there. Shinji could feel how fast Kaworu's heart was beating but it was no match to his own. Shinji was feeling so many emotions at the same time, mainly confusion but it was overshadowed by happiness.</p><p>They were both surprised, Shinji never thought he would have his first kiss with Kaworu and actually enjoy every second of it even though he had no idea what he was doing, and on the other hand, Kaworu was amused about the fact this kiss was somehow different than all his past ones, it felt like he has never liked nobody else before.</p><p>When they finally pulled away for air, they both remained silent. Just staring at each other, one feeling an incredible happiness inside and the other being extremely confused. But they both knew for a fact there was a warm feeling deep within their hearts.</p><p>Shinji leaned away awkwardly trying to form a sentence without even knowing what he wanted to say "I....uuuuh" he avoided eye contact at all cost, his entire face almost the same shade as Kaworu's eyes.</p><p>And Kaworu understood, he understood that Shinji has never liked someone, and that kissing a man was something he had ever thought about. He understood that Shinji was not completely ready to start something he doesn't quite comprehend yet, but he was willing to try. He was willing to try something with him even if he hurts himself, but he was also willing to wait. To wait until Shinji ordered his thoughts and came to a conclusion. It all depended on what Shinji wanted, but Kaworu was sure that even if the other didn't know it, they both shared the same feelings.</p><p>"Shinji-kun" but nothing was ever going to happen if he didn't say anything "I think I love you" The flustered Shinji still wasn't able to form a coherent sentence to which Kaworu laughed and continued "You don't have to say it back.. I just wanna know what you're thinking"</p><p>Shinji finally calmed down enough to talk with him. He explained how he didn't understand what he was feeling. How he didn't know why he always longed to see him or why he felt different than with other boys. It no longer felt like a friendship to him, it was something else. Something better.</p><p>He apologized, he couldn't say he loved Kaworu too because he wasn't sure about that, but he also said he would like to find out someday.</p><p>That made Kaworu feel at peace, he was now aware of Shinji's feelings and didn't have to go through the torture of the doubt. He holds the other boy's hands and made him look directly at him "Just you being my friend is more than enough, so please don't pressure yourself"</p><p>What he said was a lie, Kaworu actually felt like it would be the end of him if Shinji didn't want to be more than just friends. But he was willing to endure it if it meant to stay by Shinji's side.</p><p>Shinji appreciated Kaworu's words, it made him feel small butterflies on his stomach. It was surprising how Kaworu always managed to say the sweetest things ever, he was not used to this kind of affection.</p><p>He was not used to someone looking at him in a romantic way, thinking he was the most special person in the world. It made him feel warm and flustered.</p><p>Funny how Kaworu didn't have to do anything of what Asuka said to make Shinji fall for him. Because without even knowing it, Shinji was already falling and all Kaworu had to do was being himself.</p><p>After a while, Shinji started blushing again out of nowhere and when Kaworu asked what the matter was, but he was not ready at all for what Shinji wanted to say.</p><p>"I was just wondering..." Shinji slightly stuttered "No, never mind"</p><p>Kaworu whined and begged for him to tell what was on his mind, after a while Shinji finally gave in and with a shy look he requested.</p><p>"Could you kiss me again?"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is the end of the short story. Thank you so much for reading, feel free to add a comment.<br/>All constructive criticism is welcomed :)</p>
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